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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Putting Down the Bat

Do you ever beat yourself up?

I do.

It used to be much worse in my younger years, but I still have a tendency to punish myself when I make a mistake.

I’ve been talking to a counselor for a few months, and that’s one of the first assignments she gave me. “Focus on putting down the bat,” she urged.

So I’ve been pondering that for quite a while now. The first step was noticing when I felt the temptation to take a swing at myself after some failure. Just being aware of the bat made it a little easier to “put it down” and treat myself with more compassion.

I’m still working on it, but I feel like I’ve been improving. I sure give myself plenty of opportunities to practice!

One day I texted a bunch of middle school students to remind them about our meeting that night. I got a text back from a mom instead of a student, so I responded and said it was nice to meet her and we were looking forward to getting to know her son this year. At the meeting, I saw that student and realized that he goes to our church and I already knew his mom. I saw her every Sunday at church and we had visited the family in their home just a couple of months ago! I texted Sarah after the meeting: “I am so embarrassed!” I explained my incredible lapse of memory and asked her to forgive me. She responded graciously: “I figured you’d put it together at some point!” Amazingly, I laughed at myself and didn’t pick up the bat.

The other night I went to a youth event with our high school group and talked to a couple from church afterward. We chatted a bit, and then I asked about their connection to “Fields of Faith” at SDSU. “Collin!” the woman answered. “Oh, of course! You’re here to support him,” I said. (Collin is one of our youth group sponsors and he’s on staff with FCA, the group putting on the event.) In my head, I started to kick myself. Dang! I did it again! I forgot a connection that should have been obvious! But I only did it for a few seconds. I put down the bat and consciously forgave my error (hopefully they did, too!).

As I think about that “bat,” I’m sometimes surprised at how quickly I reach for it. One morning I took a deep water aerobics class at SDSU. At noon, I got a notification that the deep water well would be closed until further notice. The rest of the pool would remain open. I tried to figure out what I could have done wrong that morning that would make them close that part of the pool. I immediately realized how silly that was. I did nothing wrong. I was still perplexed about why it would have to close, but it was easy to leave the bat alone.

Every day brings plenty of chances to decide whether I’m going to pick up the bat or put it down.

I would never think of using a bat to beat someone else up, so why am I so quick to use it on myself? (Guess that’s part of the reason I’m seeing a counselor for a while.)

In counseling, we’re starting to work on how I can love myself more. I know that’s important, and I’m willing to do that work, but I want to make sure it’s for the right reason.

I don’t want to love myself in a selfish, “look at me!” way. I want to love myself because God loves me so much. When I rest in that love and really accept it, it frees me up to truly love others in a sincere, healthy way.

Not so they’ll love me back.

Not so they’re impressed by me.

Not so I don’t feel guilty.

No, I want to love well so people can see God’s love shining through me. So they feel accepted, safe, and protected.

If I’m going to love others (starting with myself) in that way, then I’m going to have to get rid of this bat once and for all and never pick it up again.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30–31 NIV)

Do you beat yourself up for your mistakes and failures? How can focusing on God help you put down the bat and really love yourself and others?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Staying

It’s the final day of September.

We’ve been focusing on National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. I almost skipped on to a new topic this week, but I think I’ll share a closing thought as we think about suicide prevention.

Stay.

I know life is painful sometimes. It can be frustrating and scary and uncertain.

People often try to convince someone not to take their own life by saying, “Stay for those who love you.” I know they mean well, but that just heaps more guilt on someone who is hurting and has gotten so sick that they can’t see another way out.

I want to encourage you to stay for yourself.

Depression is a highly treatable illness. Even if you can’t feel hope right now, if you hang on and get help you will eventually feel better.

For me, I want to stay because I don’t want to miss out on all of the good things in life.

Sunrises and sunsets.

Mountains and oceans.

A long hike in the woods.

Hauntingly beautiful musicals.

Flocks of birds soaring overhead.

Laughter and tears shared with the ones I love.

The list could go on and on and on. When I focus on those things, it makes it easier to hold on through the hard times.

It might help to hear the stories of people who thought they wanted to die but changed their minds immediately after attempting to die by suicide.

Kevin Hines jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. He felt instant regret as he fell. Miraculously, he survived the fall and went on to become a writer and speaker. You can find lots of info and videos online, and check out his book Cracked, Not Broken: Surviving and Thriving After a Suicide Attempt.

Kristen Jane Anderson wrote Life, In Spite of Me: Extraordinary Hope After a Fatal Choice (with Tricia Goyer) after she attempted to die by suicide by lying down on a set of train tracks. She lost her legs, but she inspires so many people with her story.

The month of September is over, but the need to prevent suicide will continue. Check in on your friends and family, reach out to others if you’re struggling (you can always call or text to 988), and never give up hope.

Stay.

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.” (Psalm 139:16–18 NIV)

What are the good things in life that help you decide to stay? How can focusing on God help you never give up hope?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Talking about Suicide

We’re coming to the end of National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. It’s good to have a special month to get the word out and make people aware of the statistics and encourage them to get help (or help others), but let’s not let the conversation end when we hit October first.

Let’s keep talking about suicide. Oh, I know it’s an uncomfortable topic. I know it’s easier to push it aside and pretend everyone is fine.

Everyone is not fine. If you keep your eyes and ears open, you just may have an opportunity to talk to someone about suicide.

If you see drastic changes in behavior for a friend or family member (especially in their sleeping, eating, and mood), it’s probably time to have a tough conversation with them and ask if they’ve been thinking about suicide. It won’t give them the idea or push them to do it, but if they have been thinking about it, your question may bring relief and help.

If you see someone giving away their possessions, that could be a sign that they’re making plans to die by suicide. Ask them about it.

If you have been thinking more and more often about ending your own life, it’s time to get help.*

We can live full and rich lives, even if we have been diagnosed with a mental illness. A big part of staying healthy is to keep talking. Keep talking with your doctor. Keep talking with your family. Keep talking with your friends.

It just may save a life.

“The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10 NIV)

Have you ever talked with someone about suicide? How can focusing on God give you the courage to bring it up if you’re worried about someone?

*If you are having thoughts of suicide, please get help! You can call or text 988 (a suicide and crisis lifeline). Another place to get help is freshhope.us (you can find a support group near you, join an online group, or check out their other resources).

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Meeting Together

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.  I introduced the theme last week (you can read that blog post here).

For the rest of this month, I want to share some ideas that may help prevent suicide.

Meeting together is one of the best things I do to maintain good mental health—and it’s a lifesaver when I sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Gary and I lead a Fresh Hope support group on the 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month at our church. It’s good to meet with other people with a mental health diagnosis (and/or their loved ones) and discuss different aspects of depression and anxiety. Sometimes we laugh together and sometimes we cry together, but each meeting gives us the opportunity to check in with each other and get encouragement as we live with the ups and downs of our disease.

Isolation can be tempting when we feel bad. It’s easier to stay at home and hide when our negative emotions start taking over. Being around other people can feel difficult and scary.

When you see that you’re starting to pull away from other people, that’s a good time to push yourself to do the exact opposite.

Call a friend and talk for a while.

Invite some friends or family members over for a game night.

Go to church and try to connect with someone during fellowship time as you sip a cup of coffee.

Make an appointment to talk with a therapist about the issues that may be contributing to your negative mood.

Check out a support group near you. (You can find a Fresh Hope group near you or join an online group by going to www.freshhope.us.)

Meeting together just may give you the hope you need so you can get past those thoughts of suicide. Please don’t give up!

“And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:25 NLT)

Do you feel like pulling away from everyone when you feel bad? How can focusing on God help you reach out and meet with others instead?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Preventing Suicide

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. It’s not something we like to think about, but it’s important that we do.

There are few things sadder than hearing that someone took their own life.

We wish we could have done something. We wish they would have reached out for help instead of taking that fatal action. We wish they were still with us.

So as we begin the month of September, let’s focus on preventing suicide by keeping a few things in mind.

*If you never have suicidal thoughts, thank God for that. Keep in mind that many of the people around you do struggle. Be ready to point them to someone who can help if they share their thoughts with you.

*If you sometimes (or often) have suicidal thoughts, please don’t act on them. Reach out for help. Do whatever you have to do to stay alive. There are many testimonies out there from people who have lived through a suicide attempt and have gone on to enjoy fulfilling lives. Look for those stories and hold on to hope until those suicidal thoughts pass.

*Remember that God has a purpose for you. Right now you may not know what that purpose is, but if you keep reading the Bible, talking to him, and living, eventually he’ll make that purpose clear.

Suicide is a heavy topic, but if we get more comfortable talking about it, maybe we can keep it from happening as often as it does. (A 2019 news release from the World Health Organization says that one person dies every forty seconds from suicide!)

Please don’t give up on yourself or others! You can call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the U.S.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19–20 NIV)

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10 NIV)

Do you ever have suicidal thoughts? How can focusing on God help you reach out for help instead of acting on those ideas?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on How Much We’ve Grown

It’s back to school time. I’ve been enjoying all of the pictures my friends on Facebook have been posting as their kids pose with signs telling what grade they’re in.

Some of the photos blow my mind! We’ve served in four churches now, and I must have frozen everyone at a certain age in my head. I can hardly believe how tall kids have gotten in the years since we saw them every week.

They were just cute little boys and girls back then, and now many of them have matured and gotten taller than their parents.

Kristol Ulrich and her son Dalton—then and now!

I grin as I shake my head and say, “Wow! Look how much they’ve grown!”

Of course, it makes sense when I think about it. Years have passed and kids grow. That’s the way life works.

It got me thinking about spiritual growth.

It would be sad if we let the years go by and stayed stuck at a certain level of maturity in our spiritual lives.

It’s natural that we’ll grow as we study the Bible, talk to God, and spend time with other believers. If we aren’t growing, we may be neglecting one or more of those activities.

Take a look at your life. Hopefully, you can see growth from where you were one month, one year, or one decade ago. Give God the credit for that growth—even if it isn’t as huge as you’d like. As you move forward you can be deliberate about your relationship with him so you can continue growing.

When someone sees us years from now, let’s hope they’ll joyfully exclaim, “Wow! Look how much they’ve grown!”

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” (Colossians 2:6–7 NIV)

Can you see how you’ve grown in your spiritual life? How can focusing on God help you keep growing?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Not Giving Up

Fear often keeps us from doing something we really want to do.

I lived with a family in Madrid, Spain during my junior year of college. Early on in my stay, I wanted to go visit a museum that wasn’t within walking distance. My Spanish “Dad” explained that there was a bus stop about a block away where I could catch a certain bus and then transfer to another bus further up the line. I nodded and smiled as he explained, but inside I was a mess. Madrid was a big city and I didn’t have much experience with buses.

When the time came, I walked down to the bus stop, stood there for a few anxious minutes, and then went home and retreated to the safety of my room. When my “Dad” asked how it went, I brushed it off and said I had decided not to go, but he could probably see the shame all over my face.

I was just too scared.

Years later, I decided I wanted to give blood. I had never done it before because sometimes I felt faint just thinking about things like that. On the day of the blood drive, I went to the collection site, walked up to the door, held it open for someone else going in, then let it close and retreated to the safety of my car. I cried in frustration, but I couldn’t go in.

I was just too scared.

I’m happy to report that I didn’t give up in either situation. I had to give myself a little time, but I was determined that I’d try again.

I’ve given blood many times (and I’ve never fainted). Needles aren’t my favorite things, but I’m not too scared to face them so I can help someone who needs it.

In Madrid, I got used to public transportation and used it often to explore that wonderful city. The bus wasn’t my favorite way to get around, though. After I braved the subway and figured it out, I used it so much that my Spanish conversation partner dubbed me the “Queen of the Metro.” I learned to get over my fears so I could have new experiences.

There are many things in life that may scare us—especially the first time we try them.

Think of all we’d miss if we gave up after our first failed attempt.

Let’s try to give ourselves a little time and then try again. Each time it will get a little easier and we’ll feel more confident.

If you really want to do something, don’t give up.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 NKJV)

Do you want to give up when you’re too afraid to do something? How can focusing on God help you try again (and eventually succeed)?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on the Time We Have Left

No one really knows how much time they have left.

Last week Gary and I got the shocking news that dear friends of ours were killed in a car/train accident. We held each other and cried for our loss, and then we cried some more when we thought about their family. Three children and their spouses. Nine precious grandchildren. How could they go on without Joel and Rosemary?

Joel and Rosemary Sult – Allison, Iowa

But they will go on. We all will. We can rejoice that our friends knew and loved the Lord and they’re now in heaven. We’ll cry, but we can also laugh when we remember their sense of humor, smile when we remember their kindness, and chuckle when we think of Joel singing barbershop tags with the angels.

It’s sobering when something like this happens. It reminds the rest of us that we don’t really know how much time we have left. Our lives could be over in the blink of an eye, or we could live well past one hundred. Only God knows when we’ll join him someday.

For now, we need to live for him, making the most of every day.

God has plans for us. He has a purpose for each of our lives. The Holy Spirit will show us those plans and purposes if we talk to him and choose to listen. He’ll also give us the wisdom and strength to do the things God has for us in the years we have left.

Our friends lived a full and rich life. They accomplished so much in the time they had here on this earth. We still can’t believe they’re gone, but we’re so glad we had the chance to know them and love them.

May all of us make the most of each day we have left.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12 NIV)

Are you tempted to live as if you had all the time in the world? How can focusing on God help you prioritize the plans he has for you in the time you have left?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on What We Keep

When I hear that I’m running out of storage, I get a little anxious.

I got an email that my Dropbox account was almost out of room, so I went in and downloaded the pictures I had stored there. I hardly ever use Dropbox anymore, so it’s not a big deal. I can probably delete the account as long as I have the pictures on my computer.

Well, after that I remembered that a message keeps popping up on my computer that says: “Almost out of storage. If you run out, you can’t save to Drive, send and receive email on Gmail, or back up to Google Photos.”

This stresses me out. When I check Google Drive, I can see that I’ve used 83% of my storage.

Then I check my laptop and see that I only have 45 GB free of 475 GB. My computer isn’t that old. How could I have filled it up with so many files?

It’s because I keep too much.

Even though I never even look at the majority of the files on my computer and at Google Drive, I feel like I have to keep them…just in case. I may need that someday is my primary thought.

Truth is, I probably won’t need most of those files. I don’t even go back to the ones I would use (like pages of song lyrics or guitar chords). It’s easier to just type something in the search bar and make a new document instead of searching for it on my computer.

Wondering about when I’m going to run out of storage and what’s going to happen then adds a subtle layer of stress to my life, even if I’m not constantly thinking about it. It’s buzzing away in the recesses of my brain, getting louder every time a notification pops up.

Deleting files (and getting rid of physical things I don’t need or use) brings some relief to my anxious heart. When I focus on the people in my life and the Lord I love (instead of all of the things around me), I can enjoy life more and I feel more free.

I think it’s time to spend a little time each day deleting files. No more pushing up against the storage limits. I only have so much space on my computer and I only have so much space in my heart and mind. I want to make sure I’m saving plenty of room so I can love God—and the people he’s given me—well.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:1–3 NIV)

Are you running out of storage space in your heart and mind? How can focusing on God help you let go of some things so you have the capacity to love God and others well?

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Focus Friday: Let’s Focus on Taking What Comes

On vacation recently, a couple of things happened that surprised me.

We went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio one day. I kept saying I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on the spinning rides like the Scrambler because the last time I went on it I almost got sick. Add my bouts with vertigo in recent years and I was sure the little rides that spun me around in a circle would be too much.

Well, I tried one small ride and it wasn’t too bad.

Then I went on another one and it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would either.

I went on quite a few and I never did feel sick.

I almost missed out on some fun because I assumed my body would react a certain way and it didn’t.

After that long day of excitement, we drove down to Tennessee to visit my parents. We had fun talking, playing dominoes, and watching recorded episodes of “The Chase” on TV.

As the end of our visit neared, I braced myself for a teary goodbye. The last couple of times we’ve visited, I got choked up as we headed down the street from their house. It came on suddenly and the strong emotions surprised me. I guess I was thinking about how they’re getting older and wondering how much longer I’d have them.

Well, this time we hugged them goodbye, got in the car, headed down the street and . . . no tears!

What does that mean? I wondered. Did I not love them as much? Should I be crying?

Of course I love them. I don’t have to cry every time I leave them.

I can take what comes.

I’ve always had a tendency to overthink everything that happens to me and every thought I have. As I get older, I don’t have the energy to do that as much as I did when I was younger, but it still plagues me way too often.

I’m gradually learning that I can accept the circumstances in my life and not think them to death. I can look curiously at the emotions I feel.

If I feel sad, I can cry. If I’m happy, I can laugh. If I’m angry, I can really feel it and decide if I need to let it go or do something about it.

I can take what comes and not worry about if it’s the right or wrong way to feel. The Holy Spirit can comfort me, convict me, encourage me, or compel me—no matter what comes my way.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1–4 NIV)

Do you overthink how you’re feeling or what’s happening in life? How can focusing on God help you take what comes and trust him as you move ahead?